Should You Stay After an Affair? (Full Framework)

Comments · 26

• WE

  @weswhitecounseling · 2 months ago (edited) · pinned

  📚 NEW COURSE: When Your Mind Won&apos;t Stop — Managing Intrusive Thoughts After Betrayal<br>A 12-module program for betrayed partners who can&apos;t get their mind to stop. Guided meditations + worksheets included.<br>→ <a href="https://weswhitecoaching.thrivecart.com/managing-intrusive-thoughts-after-betrayal/">https://weswhitecoaching.thrivecart.com/managing-intrusive-thoughts-after-betrayal/</a><br><br>📥 FREE: The First 30 Days After Discovery Guide<br>Everything you need in the acute phase — what to expect and what to do.<br>→ <a href="https://prodigious-originator-1801.kit.com/8bcd4f6195">https://prodigious-originator-1801.kit.com/8bcd4f6195</a>

  2

• FI

  @FieldArtillery07 · 3 weeks ago (edited)

  This was a great video. my ex wife chose to get defensive and 9 months later was still talking to her affair partner. she never took accountability. she said i was the one who made her do it. <br><br>i told her she had to cut contact or we should divorce. she claimed they were just friends now. i stuck to my boundary which made her try to hide everything more. <br><br>i wish i saw this video two years ago. i probably wouldn’t have tried so hard to reconcile and left a lot sooner. what a painful part of my life.

  3

• SA

  @SarahHodson-s4v · 9 days ago

  He blames you, attacks you in therapy and never apologizes, don&apos;t wait, run, it will get worse until you do.

  2

• VE

  @veronicababy7959 · 2 weeks ago

  My husband has been trying to understand the why for six months. His story about the affair gets more and more fanciful with new stories and details added in. He also claims he wasn’t attracted to her sexually at first. He will not disclose when he became attracted and masturbated to her pictures on Facebook. &nbsp;I think his exploration of why is his way of staying connected to her. He sees his therapist weekly to impress himself with this amazing infatuation that he has experienced.<br><br>I decided I’m just done. The last question I had for him was about her age. How did her being younger than his daughter factor in. He got angry. Fine. &nbsp;I’m tired of being blamed for his anger.<br><br>But I want to tell you, Wes, you have helped me understand and heal and believe that there is something out there better for me than this.

  2

• KE

  @KevMags · 2 months ago (edited)

  At <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVC6_gd_N08&amp;t=330">5:30</a>, when you&apos;re talking about genuine remorse, my follow-up question is: how long is the betrayed partner supposed to wait before expecting to see it consistently?<br><br>What if the wayward partner only shows genuine remorse intermittently? Sometimes they&apos;re patient, accountable, and empathetic, but other times they&apos;re defensive, shut down the conversation, get annoyed that it&apos;s being brought up again because &quot;we were having a good day,&quot; or try to create false equivalences by pointing to something the betrayed partner has done.<br><br>At what point is the betrayed partner justified in concluding that reconciliation isn&apos;t possible—not because the wayward partner NEVER shows genuine remorse, but because they can&apos;t show it consistently and instead has intermittently responded in a negative way whenever the betrayal is revisited?<br><br>The reason I ask is because you mentioned that all the components of genuine remorse are ‘really hard’ and ‘difficult’ for a wayward partner to do after an affair. As soon as you said that, I immediately imagined my wayward partner using that explanation to gain sympathy—essentially saying, “I&apos;m trying. This is hard. I&apos;m making progress, can’t you see that?” That makes me wonder where the line is between extending reasonable grace because change is genuinely difficult and simply lowering the standard for what genuine remorse should look like. <br><br>How should the betrayed partner distinguish between someone who is genuinely making slow but meaningful progress and someone who is using the fact that remorse is difficult as a reason to excuse ongoing defensiveness, impatience, or a lack of consistent accountability? In other words, at what point does &quot;I&apos;m trying&quot; stop being a reasonable explanation and start becoming an excuse?

  6

• NI

  @nickvail2210 · 1 month ago (edited)

  You are really good.

  2

• SM

  @SmokeyMarkitZero · 1 month ago

  Your videos have been insightful to me so far, but I might comment on one of your final questions - asking &quot;what are your deal breakers&quot; is a difficult prospect without more guideline or extra clarity and insights. &nbsp;For most of us, before an affair the clear red line would be &quot;infidelity.&quot; &nbsp;Now, most of us here are standing on thr beach, staring at our spouse on the other side of the line and you&apos;re asking &quot;well NOW what are your deal breakers?&quot;<br><br>I acknowledge you said that saying this was the red line and leaving is fair and reasonable for us betrayed spouses - but, presumably, if we are here we are trying to figure out how to make it okay and work our way out of our spouse&apos;s betrayal. &nbsp;Just my two cents, and in this economy is probably isn&apos;t worth much.

  2

• CH

  @chriscarbaugh3936 · 2 months ago

  I am staying or begging to stay for all of the unhealthy reasons. &nbsp;😢

  1

• ME

  @MEL-f4x6f · 2 months ago

  What about if you can&apos;t go. &nbsp;You have nowhere else to go. &nbsp;It&apos;s your house too..

  1

• FR

  @fredclote3103 · 2 months ago

  Very helpful. Thank you Wes.

  1

• AN

  @antounorama · 2 months ago

  Thank you. This has been very helpful.

• NU

  @NurseKathie · 3 weeks ago

  Can you only practice in Illinois?

  1