Is It Narcissism? How to Tell the Difference in Family Dynamics

Comments · 18

• OL

  @olderandwiser333 · 3 weeks ago

  Thank you SO much for the acknowledgement that it is sometimes the adult child who is the narcissist. That reality often gets not just ignored but virtually denied, leaving a parent who has been discarded because she finally enforced a boundary, drowning in external judgement and often self doubt. When that parent later realizes after an entire life of masking and burnout that she is actually autistic, the grief can be overwhelming.

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• SU

  @SusanaXpeace2u · 1 month ago

  PS, yes, on behalf of the parents going through this, there are a lot of youtubers, including Psychology with Dr Ana who takes the view that it's always that the parent who failed the child.  She talks about a lot of interesting issues, maybe even including projection, but without any explanation of why it is that ONLY the 'child' in the dynamic is immune to these defense mechanisms, ykwim??    I do think that many people just shut down warmth the MOMENT they don't get their own way.  This can go both ways, across generations.   In my family, it is my mother!  but I know adults who have to perform warmth and stay in a small box for their young adult child.

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• HO

  @holleebailey8546 · 1 month ago

  Excellent anf balanced breakdown!

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• SU

  @surelynot11 · 1 month ago (edited)

  I find your podcasts very helpful about family estrangement. You unpack the dynamics that went wrong so we can understand what is going on. <br>Patterns, I realise are extremely important to look out for. Harmed persons, like myself, end up with such a distorted reality of your upbringing and it affects all other relationships. No one validates my feelings. &nbsp;They are different for each sibling. Dr. G. Mate speaks to this very often. <br>I am the exact example you explained with &nbsp;the two sister siblings. My sister and mother &nbsp;were judgemental against me. Tried to talk to my sister often &nbsp;about &nbsp; but no insight awareness and therefore no resolution. She lacks empathy to me. &nbsp;Betrayals have been too hard and too many to excuse. I read the other day, &quot;Forgiveness without change is permission&quot;. <br>I know I have tried everything so no contact for 5 years protects me but the pain of what it could have been is always there. I know its also just a fantasy but its powerful. <br> I am in the learning radical acceptance phase. She can&apos;t be different. I am the person who carries the flexibility to change but I also carry the sadness. <br>Being misunderstood &nbsp;and labelled in my family keeps the integrity of a dysfunctional &nbsp;family &nbsp;going. Parents have died but all 3 now dont talk to me. <br> THANK YOU for communicating these difficult topics so very skillfully. You are very good at it. ❤❤

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• CA

  @Calibri57 · 1 month ago

  This was a very balanced breakdown of how family dynamics go sideways without resulting in charges of <br>Narcissism. Sadly my ex was solidly on that spectrum of NPD and invested years of smear campaign against me with our own children. One of the children was taken in by that campaign and now exhibits similar traits though I do not think that child is narcissistic. I have been cut off from seeing my grandchild several times to get me to “fall back in line” when we disagreed. I have now begun pointing out to my child which of his requests are reasonable and can be discussed, and which are toxic and will not result in compliance or further discussion from me. The boundaries I have set and done my best to communicate almost never change the outcome of being cut off, but they help me change my own behavior and expectations. I have accepted that I will probably never have open access to my grandchild, and that every time I set my own boundaries with my child, or every misstep I make in the relationship, or even when we disagree, will result in demands made of me with the threat of me being cut off. It hurts, but it is what it is and the only response I can make is to be authentically myself and know there will be blowback at times.

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• SU

  @SusanaXpeace2u · 1 month ago

  yes, the thing with being &apos;&apos;too sensitive&apos;&apos; i was labelled too sensitive for DECADES by a mother so defensive she would accept zero feedback, ever, without throwing herself up on the cross, the victim of me!! &nbsp; But I know now, if I thought my own daughter was sensitive I would not be insensitive. &nbsp;If I thought she was sensitive I wouldn&apos;t disregard her feelings, or disregard her perspective. &nbsp;If I do have to raise something with her (she still lives at home) I approach it respectfully.

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• NJ

  @njoyn1909 · 3 weeks ago

  Great video, looking forward to the one u mentioned coming out. Still questioning whether I should even bother trying to repair anything with my mother or just accept things as they are and keep my distance. I’ve done a lot of healing and work on myself but I still struggle to not be affected by her delusions about how close we are. I think the pain from the truth will either cause her to attack me or to just disassociate and change the subject to protect her wounded inner child. So I keep questioning if I should bother at all

• PL

  @plursocks · 2 weeks ago (edited)

  My uncle once told me &quot;your mother has more empathy than she used to&quot; and I found myself saying &quot;oh thank God I didn&apos;t make her this way&quot;. We&apos;ve been no contact for three years. My fiance thankfully understands why I won&apos;t introduce him to her...that it&apos;s for his protection because she will actually send people out to stalk and/or harass him on her behalf. He has a difficult mother as well, but she&apos;s more on the immature and slef involved side. She accepts when I stand up for my fiance when she says something nasty about him and accepts the low contact as well without pushing that boundary. My mother considers boundaries a challenge in which she can use her powers of manipulation to try and cross them while still playing the victim.

• DB

  @dbeck2571 · 1 month ago

  💔

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• AD

  @AdrianRif · 1 month ago

  Historical rewrite and gaslight tactics are psychologically the most destructive.<br>Mt eldest daughter did this to me. I was diagnosed late in life with Autism. I had no idea who I was, so was easily manipulated.<br>I was accused of all sorts of things after my ex-wife left. I was open season. It got to the point that I saw my family as an existential threat.<br>I’ve realised with therapy, I was psychologically abused by my ex wife, who manipulated my eldest turn against my side of the family who they cut off.<br>My side of the family were considered common and not good enough by my ex. I really hate these people, and honestly hope to hear one day they have all died.

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• DA

  @daisycharles440 · 1 month ago

  I don’t think a label achieves anything really, so what. Harm is harm, intentional harm tells you all you need to know.

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• LI

  @LizCosgrove-dd7gp · 4 weeks ago

  I think if you look at a lot of estranged parents sites, &nbsp;parents are being cut.off and emotionally black mailed by adult children and they&apos;re now losing interest in ever reconnecting. <br>Once they get yo the 6th year of estrangement everything chances and it doesn&apos;t matter whether there&apos;s intermittent contact or no contact at all<br> In &nbsp;year 6 mothers are waking away for good. <br>Fathers pretty much do it straight away after 6months to 1yr and aren&apos;t interested in reconciliation with their adult children. <br>This is something adult children should be made aware of by therapists and therapists should try their best to facilitate reconciliation in whatever cases they can. <br>There&apos;s of course cases where reconciliation isn&apos;t either possible or advised. <br>IE where there&apos;s severe physical abuse, &nbsp;sexual abuse, &nbsp;severe phycological abuse as in parental alienation. &nbsp;<br>In these cases reconciliation is probably not advisable for any party.