Why Does the Betrayer Keep Hurting Their Partner During Recovery?

Comments · 71

• NO

  @Normalize-therapy · 4 months ago · pinned

  This work is heavy and it&apos;s hard to do alone. If something here landed, our therapists at Therapevo do specialized work on exactly this, the individual shame work for betrayers in active recovery. Sessions are via Zoom, so location isn&apos;t a barrier. The easiest first step is a free 20-minute conversation to see if it&apos;s the right fit. <a href="https://therapevo.com/help-for-the-betrayer/?utm_source=youtube">https://therapevo.com/help-for-the-betrayer/?utm_source=youtube</a>

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• JE

  @JesiAlsup · 3 months ago

  We broke up a month ago. It was 2 years of recovery and I just couldn’t trust. I do appreciate this video.

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• FL

  @FlyingRedCat · 1 month ago

  Now I understand why a year has gone by with me still struggling. My husband has been through a porn program and says he has been clean, and is also in personal therapy. I kept wondering why that wasn&apos;t enough, but now I get it. When I show him my wounded heart, he usually goes stone cold silent or storms out the door for hours. Lately he&apos;s also been in tears, robotically saying the right words, but I feel like it&apos;s more about him wanting to get back to normal for his own peace of mind, and not mine. Thank you for naming what has been so confusing for me!

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• JC

  @Jcroffe · 2 months ago

  I thought our situation was unique . &nbsp;So there is hope . &nbsp;I didn’t think so until listening to this

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• RO

  @ronnimartorello1458 · 3 weeks ago

  My husband has been gaslighting me for years. I was distracted by the deaths of my mother and daughter, my son&apos;s schizophrenia and addiction and cycling in and out of prison/jail/Psychological wards - I&apos;m his legal guardian, and my other daughter&apos;s addiction, &nbsp;loosing and regaining custody of her first born and helping her navigate a nasty custody battle for her 3 children. The emotional abuse became intolerable after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The past year the abuse got so bad. I started raging. Then I left. I&apos;ve been on a solo cross-country road trip for nearly a month. I discovered his porn addiction about a week ago and finally started connecting the dots. He immediately stopped (as far as I know) and started going to support groups and looking for a therapist so I agreed to try working through it. But THIS!!!! I&apos;ve been having panic attacks. Trying to take care of myself the best I can living out of my car, moving from place to place, all while trying to manage my cancer. I sent him this video and told him if he doesn&apos;t get it, I can&apos;t do this.

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• SO

  @sophiacollins3030 · 3 months ago

  How do I navigate him not understanding my need for him to do the work of just being sober and recovering for his own sake and benefit, but owning the bulk of renewing intimacy, building emotional safety and trust, pursuing my heart, proving his love is true and that his recovery is our new normal? <br><br>This seems to be where we keep getting stuck. He feels like he has done so much already to get to the point where he is, that I feel like is the point of the foundation of a healthy godly marriage, which makes him feel that I just continue to criticize that he is never doing enough, and then he gets angry and I get sent further back in my healing process and feel more unseen and more unloved, and then he gets more angry.

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• TE

  @TerryDinsmore · 4 months ago

  This perfectly described where we are right now! &nbsp;He is drowning in his own shame and self-pity and deflection and justification, so when he thinks he is really repentant and sorry, it definitely DOES feel like PERFORMATIVE COMPLIANCE that I see right through, and it does nothing to give me any sense of safety or trust. Not at all! He has NOT done his own work yet to ever LOOK directly at the wound he made in my heart. Thank you for helping me understand the dynamic!

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• DE

  @demonhog84 · 2 weeks ago

  You two are amazing. I’ve done therapy sessions and you two are leaps and bounds above what I’ve experienced. You guys are special

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• DA

  @danbell8508 · 4 months ago

  I can see there are many many layers to recovery. From the video I can see there is a lot of work I still need to do. thank you so much for the video.

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• JA

  @JayGriffinRTZNJ · 3 months ago

  It&apos;s one thing to get in a groove of harmful and unhealthy choices, and another to continually fail at getting it right, but the real hell is the perpetual relational probation.

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• HA

  @HappyDudeNoSpam · 4 months ago

  I love that one. &quot;When you protect you can&apos;t connect!&quot; That works in so many ways around intimacy. Not just betrayal shame/guilt. It is by sharing our most vulnerable selves we become intimate with others. So trying to protect myself by not sharing is actually keeping me from the intimacy I need and desire.

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• CH

  @ChinaDoll305 · 2 weeks ago

  After my spouse reached out to his AP, three weeks before moving out i knew he&apos;d never change. He made up an excuse to reach out. When I didn&apos;t buy it he became angry. He finally admitted he did it cause he wanted to and didn&apos;t care. There was already betrayal and porn and he continued despite knowing how much it hurt me.

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