Why Does He Do That? The Book Every Woman Should Read About Abusive Men

Comments · 107

• FK

  @fkop2301 · 2 weeks ago

  this book snapped me right outta a darvo spell overnight. i don’t care about the author the information remains so important.

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• CO

  @ComedyCrafts-j3n · 2 weeks ago

  I took your advice and started dating by The Rules which state not to exchange messages on the weekend. I matched with a man on a Friday and he started messaging me. I only sent him one short message on Friday afternoon and didn’t reply through Saturday. He started messaging me over and over, demanding that I get back to him, eventually insulting me by Saturday night, and by 3:00AM on Sunday morning he sent me one last harassing message and unmatched. He weeded himself out thanks to The Rules. If I hadn’t followed The Rules I would have exchanged messages with him on Saturday and gone on at least one date with him and it would have been dangerous and wasted my time and energy. You give great advice!

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• KI

  @kimberlygoode339 · 2 weeks ago

  Frankly, the only person responsible for changing anyone’s behavior is the person exhibiting them. Not the victims or potential victims job.

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• LE

  @leslietucker2656 · 13 days ago

  Parents need to heed this, especially parents of daughters. Mothers especially need to set an example of what boundaries, self respect, self reliance, and self esteem are.

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• AN

  @Andi_andI · 2 weeks ago

  For me the most important aspect of this book is the way that Bancroft explains the intentionality of abusive behaviour. I recall he gives the example of how an abusive man may destroy property in a fit of rage, but strangely only his wife/girlfriend’s possessions, not his own. Or how when the doorbell rings and police show up to investigate a complaint from the neighbours, he’s able to control himself enough to put on a charming smile and smooth things over and reassure them that everything’s fine. That shows he is choosing the behaviour. It’s not that he “just can’t help it” because of his trauma or anger issues or whatever excuse given. He can control himself when it serves/benefits him, and chooses to exercise control over you through intimidation.<br><br>As women too often we are socialised towards sympathy for “damaged men” but it is not your job to heal anyone, and if it was your job as a literal therapist, you would have professional boundaries with your patient that exclude sexual contact or any kind of personal relationship. Men can work on their problems when it benefits them, if they won’t do that then you have to question what benefit they derive from problem behaviour.<br><br>Another author I personally recommend is David M Buss. He also writes a lot about abusive men from a perspective of evolutionary psychology. Particularly he theorises it’s a tactic by inferior men to control more attractive women, whom they believe they would otherwise be unable to acquire through voluntary means. If he thinks you have other options he wants to shut those down, seclude you, or degrade your value to other potential partners.

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• SA

  @sae2990 · 2 weeks ago

  I just finished this book yesterday,the most important take from this book for me is that “he does not have a problem with his anger but he has problem with her anger” men like this feel like you don’t have the right to be angry, sad, upset or frustrated.

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• AZ

  @Azizi7903W · 2 weeks ago

  When you start normalising your Tolerable Levels of Permanent Unhappiness, that becomes a problem cause you excuse everything:face-red-droopy-eyes::face-red-droopy-eyes::face-red-droopy-eyes::face-red-droopy-eyes:

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• GR

  @Green.monster789 · 2 weeks ago

  This is one of the books that helped me escape my abusive marriage. So good!

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• CO

  @ComedyCrafts-j3n · 2 weeks ago

  All therapists need to read this book. This book helped me understand my brother’s behavior. He controls my mom since my dad died, and he has terrorized me to keep me away from her. Her therapist thinks we’re all just having a disagreement. Um- nope. She’s not qualified for the situation and should probably read this book.

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• OV

  @overtremendouslyblah · 2 weeks ago

  The boundaries thing is so true! They may say &quot;no problem&quot; but secretly annoys them

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• SP

  @SpyTube-n4o · 2 weeks ago (edited)

  My ex was the good looking charmer &amp; he&apos;d use emotions &amp; loyalty to manipulate me into staying with him (I LEFT anyway). &nbsp;He&apos;d say &quot;you DON&apos;T give up on love!&quot; &amp; accuse me of not loving him.

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• EV

  @everydaytwiceonsundays4498 · 2 weeks ago

  Yeah, this book is a lifesaver. Also: Gavin DeBecker&apos;s &quot;The Gift of Fear&quot;

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