Narcissism Expert: What Gaslighting Really Looks Like & Why It’s So Hard To Leave!

Comments · 1.9K

• CA

  @CarlyPryce · 4 months ago

  My last relationship was with a Narcissist, I ended up with Cancer so I was no good anymore, didn’t want to deal with a sick person so dumped me mid treatment and made me homeless, he was also sleeping with my friend of 20 years who was clearly stroking his ego! Lost majority of my so called friends as he’d been telling lies about me. Turned out Cancer was my blessing! 🎉 Narc & Cancer free now and learning to find myself again.

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• DE

  @dearbh1736 · 4 months ago (edited)

  I am a 62 year old Irish woman and I started watching YouTube videos on Narcissim by Dr Ramani a few years ago mostly out of curiosity as the word &apos;narcissism&apos; was starting to pop up everywhere and I wanted a better understanding of it so I would know if the word was being used correctly more or less. I never expected to discover that my late father was a type of narcissist that Dr Ramani referred to as a &apos;Neglectful Narcissist&apos; but as soon as she began to describe the behaviours a light went off in my head that was just staggering. My father had grown up in an incredibly physically abusive home which he was lucky to get out of alive. That&apos;s his back story. He married my mother in 1953 and she was so beautiful both inside and out and a wonderful mother but my perception of my father was that he hated all six of his children. From infancy we were not allowed to cry or speak in his prescence so my mother had to entertain us in a bedroom where he could not hear us or even be aware of our existence. <br><br>He worked very hard every week, all his life to provide for us in terms of food and home etc and he never laid a hand on any of us but beyond that he was a tyrant of whom we were all terrified. He had an uncontrollable temper that was expressed through screaming at us and throwing things, overturning tables at dinner time, throwing buckets of cold water over us when we sat on the sofa, disappearing for two or three days at a time after he had a blow out, resulting with my mother and oldest sister out searching for him because my mother was afraid he had killed himself but little did she know he would never scar his image by doing something like that. If we were going on a long journey in the car and if one of us in the back made a sound, a muffled laugh or a whisper, he would stop the car in the middle of nowhere and remove who he deemed to be the offending child and leave them on the side of the road and drive away. &nbsp;It was the 1970&apos;s and there was less traffic but nevertheless it was an act of extreme recklessness to leave a 6 or 8 year old sitting on the hard shoulder of a main road for a prolonged period of time. He would return after maybe half an hour or more had passed and my mother would be crying and if it was me or whoever we just got back in the car, swallowed our tears and shut up. We were aged between 4 and 14 when he did this many times. The single phrase I remember most that he said over and over throughout the years was &apos;I&apos;ll say it once and once only. I want absolute &nbsp;and total silence&apos; and anyone who did not comply with that paid a price.<br><br>As I grew older, into my mid teens I became defiant towards him and would challenge him if he spoke down to my mother and insane arguments would erupt between us with my poor mother trying to referee. I would be sent to my room or told to leave the house by him and would go to stay with a friend for a couple of nights until my mother would call me and say it was safe to return which I would do for her sake and because I loved her and missed her so much. We had apple trees growing in the garden and on one occasion I picked some apples and made a pie and he completely lost the plot with me saying that the apples I had picked were from his favourite tree and nobody had permission to pick from that tree. He just went ape shit on me and told me to get the fuck out of the house which I did but this time when my mother called I would not come home. After about two weeks he called me himself, never said sorry but asked me to come home and I did. I know this came about after much begging and pleading from my mother to him.<br><br>The part that really makes this about neglectful narcissism is that once outside the home he was the most well liked, well respected, jovial man in our community. You would not find a person anywhere who had a negative thing to say about him. The neighbouring children idolised him. He was held in very high esteem in his workplace where he was ingenius at solving complex engineering problems and his work space was immaculate as was his workshop at home. I came to learn that this is quite common with a neglectful narcissist - to immerse themselves fully in their work to the total exclusion of their family and to feed off their success in the workplace. We had developed a saying about him &apos;Oh Yeah, love the neighbours and hate us&apos; - I think I came up with that little gem. My behaviour as a child was to isolate myself in my bedroom with tons of books and a little transistor radio to listen to music. As siblings I only ever bonded fully with my youngest brother and I have no contact with my other four siblings, two of whom have serious mental health problems. I made myself as small and invisible as I could as a child while I ached for him to love me and wondered constantly what I had done wrong or what was wrong with me to make him hate me so much. And that became the blueprint by which I would live the rest of my life with many failed relationships and an eventual divorce and finally back to just me alone in a house that nobody ever visits and that I try not to leave as much as I can and I&apos;m OK with that because it is how I have survived for 62 years. Divorce or separation simply was not an option in the Catholic Ireland of the 60&apos;s and 70&apos;s. My mother would never have left him even if it was. In some twisted way she loved him and probably thought that love would change him but it never did. Sadly, my mother passed away from Thyroid cancer 11 months after I got married and many years before him and it literally destroyed me. &nbsp;I had only survived him because of her and when she was whipped away from us in just over 4 weeks &nbsp;after her diagnosis I felt like I had been pushed out of a plane with no parachute and no warning and had a serious mental breakdown. I did not go to his funeral when he passed but because of his own incredibly traumatic upbringing I have &nbsp;since found a way to understand and forgive and this was a huge step forward for me. <br><br>I would love to have the resources and finances needed to work with a Psychotherapist that specialises in this area but it is never going to happen so this long story is my therapy for today and thank you Davina who I know will not have time to read this but thank&apos;s all the same. I learned more from listening to this lovely lady and you having this very important conversation and wish you &nbsp;all the best from Ireland.

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• EL

  @elisebrothwell6532 · 4 months ago

  I think these personality disorders should be taught in our schools, so we can recognise the traits as we grow.

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• JA

  @JaniceStJohn-i9j · 3 months ago

  I left my husband after 32 years of hell. &nbsp;I went in the middle of the night or he’d have stopped me. &nbsp;Took me a year to organise everything, somewhere &nbsp;to live, bank accounts etc. &nbsp;that was 6 years ago. &nbsp;It was only after 2 years in 🎉my new home I happened to see a vlog about narcissism. &nbsp;I was so shocked. It was him exactly. &nbsp;I couldn’t understand why after 2 years away from him I was having flashbacks of him out of the blue that my doctor said I had PTSD. &nbsp;I am still on antidepressants but living a very happy life. &nbsp;Have just turned 74. &nbsp;I didn’t go before as he said he would kill himself. &nbsp;Now I know that would never have happened. &nbsp;He has no friends left. &nbsp;He’s living a very lonely life. &nbsp;I hope this vlog which is brilliant, helps a lot of other people. &nbsp;❤

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• SH

  @shixi19 · 4 months ago

  I feel that narcissists often cannot be teased. If you criticise or tease them, they attack verbally or physically.

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• PA

  @paulamanning6475 · 4 months ago

  Narcissistic siblings aren’t &nbsp;discussed enough

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• EL

  @elisenerryn3183 · 4 months ago

  It’s important to understand that some covert narcissists can keep a performative mask on for quite a long time. <br>You don’t really know someone by seeing them at their best.<br><br>You know them by seeing them:<br><br>• under stress<br>• when they don’t get their way<br>• when you set boundaries<br>• when they’re disappointed<br>• when they’re told “no”<br>• when they have power<br>• when they make mistakes<br>• when they’re asked to take accountability<br>• when life becomes ordinary, repetitive, and less exciting<br>• when they no longer feel they have to impress you<br><br>Some people are highly performative. Some wear masks. Some curate an image.<br><br>Time doesn’t reveal perfection.<br>Time reveals patterns.<br><br>Don’t just watch how someone treats you when things are easy.<br><br>Watch who they become when things are hard.

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• SA

  @samantha392 · 4 months ago

  I was systematically bullied by a gang of girls at school for 5 year&apos;s. The headmaster did nothing. Eventually, I stood up and attacked one of them so violently they left me alone. But I was then labelled the bully. Year&apos;s later I bumped into the ring leader I told her I was never frightened of her, but the truth is I was petrified every day. She apologised to me. I asked why me? She said it was because you didn&apos;t obey me! I told her I would never forgive her and walked away. I would have been a straight A student but she cost me a place at University and a career. So if you are a parent reading this comment and your child is being bullied. Remove them from the school asap. You might even save their life.

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• CO

  @Coriol369 · 4 months ago (edited)

  My dad used to hit my brother in violent angry outbursts. Mum begged him to get help and then left after a year or two when he absolutely refused. He fought her tooth and nail, ruined her reputation, stole money, multiple times including at Christmas. He was psycho.<br>The last time he hit my brother I confronted him about it; he knew I saw him and I would no longer be silent about it; I was 13 my brother 11. He disowned us by letter in the post; and then told everyone we had disowned him. Lucky I have it in his hand to prove otherwise.<br>He did us a favour. Best thing he was capable of doing. THE best thing would have been to heal; but seeing this makes me realise I was right never to take up contact again; I am 38 now.

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• X-

  @x-2954 · 1 month ago

  The saddest thing about narcisistic abuse is that it&apos;s needless, makes no sense, occurs for no reason, and can permanently damage the victim&apos;s sense of identity, self-worth, and ability to trust in others. I don&apos;t have any mental- healthcare credentials, to be clear. However, I could write ten books about how it feels to be a victim of such abuse; and how difficult it can be to recover from. Victims of narcissistic abuse will often suffer for years, even long after the abusive relationship has ended. This kind of abuse has one sole purpose, which is to feed the narcissist&apos;s need to feel; superior, dominant, and omnipotent by draining the victim of their mental, emotional, and often financial stability. <br><br>Narcissistic abuse is not just about someone “temporarily losing it” after a bad day. It&apos;s not about stress or even dishonesty, falling out of love or cheating etc. Although narcisists may engage in such behaviors; not every cheating, dishonest, or even self-absorbed person is a narcissist. Not all batterers are necessarily narcissists ( although many probably are). Narcissism is like the worst possible behaviors towards others, multiplied by at least 10; then added to that is the narcissist&apos;s inability to feel conpassion or empathy for others. Narcissistic Abuse is a calculated means of controlling someone else&apos;s behaviors and thought processes via extreme mental, and emotional bullying and outright emotional blackmail; commonly (but not alway) accompanied by physical abuse. Narcissists will tell you the sky is red. If you disagree and say the sky is actually blue, they&apos;ll tell you you&apos;re crazy, stupid, and incapable of distinguishing different colors. When you go outside and point to the sky and say, “ The color of the sky is clearly blue”, the narcissist will respond with, “ Of course it is, that&apos;s what I&apos;ve been saying all along!” Do you see how insane this is? It would be quite hilarious if it weren&apos;t for the fact that the entire purpose of an argument such as the one above, is to cause the victim to start questioning his or her own sanity. If the victim of such abuse doesn&apos;t recognize what&apos;s going on, they will slowly begin questioning their own judgement and sanity. <br><br>These techniques are also frequently used with gaslighting. Gaslighting is the act if purposefully confusing someone through circular, unending arguments; or may occur by moving or removing a victim&apos;s objects such as keys, phone, other items- all in an effort to trick the person into thinking they&apos;re going crazy. An example: “Where is my wallet? I know I put it in my purse last night. Now I don&apos;t have my checkbook, cash, etc. I must be losing it!” Most people can&apos;t imagine why someone would purposely cause such confusion and chaos for someone else, therefore never suspect the narcissist unless they&apos;re caught. Even then, the narcissist will likely deny any accusations… The narcissist&apos;s main goals- is to reap havok, chaos, and dysfunction into an otherwise mostly normal person&apos;s life. What&apos;s more, the perpetrator will purposefully cause the victim into a reaction, then use that reaction to gain support from their”flying monkeys”. These agents of narcissists are carefully picked, so that the narcissist&apos;s view cannot be debated by an objective observer. This triangulation also causes the victim to further doubt or dismiss their own thoughts and feelings. Narcissistic abuse is complete and total psychological warfare against another human being. <br><br>The targeted person can be the NPD&apos;s children, but is often the NPD&apos;s spouse or significant other. Children of narcissists are also more likely to become narcissists themselves due to genetic and environmental factors. Or, they may have BPD or BPD tendencies. That&apos;s not to say that ALL children of NPD&apos;s have personality or mental-health disorders. Targets of those with NPD are usually very generous, often sensitive, and friendly people that have their lives at least somewhat together. NPD&apos;S choose these kinds of people for a reason, because the reality is NPD&apos;s are empty human beings full of self-hatred. They are inwardly chaotic, and this chaos often translates into either an extremely neat and tidy exterior facade or may manifest into complete disorder and mess. I don&apos;t sympathize with those with NPD because they aren&apos;t psychotic- they do know the difference between right and wrong. They just choose to do wrong, choose to purposely hurt others because it boosts their often very tiny, fragile egos. These are dangerous people, and the only difference between most of them and a common murderer is that they haven&apos;t physically murdered anyone yet. Well, most of time. <br><br>Additionally, If you’re dealing with a narcissist and suspect they’re cheating, don’t guess find out. You deserve the truth. Send a request to: MetaspyHub@gmail. com to get the evidence you need discreetly. Sometimes the closure comes with proof.

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• SA

  @saraal5356 · 4 months ago (edited)

  Please get funding for Narcissistic Abuse Recovery groups in the UK…..they are so needed.

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• SO

  @soleslug · 4 months ago

  Bring Kathleen back for a Part 2. There&apos;s so much to touch on with this topic and she explains everything perfectly.

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