Psychologist Explains Why Avoidants Shut Down When They Hear “I Missed You”

Comments · 50

• FJ

  @fjr2107 · 2 weeks ago

  This video expresses the stress response to 'I missed you" so well.  I've progressed to uttering "Awww" and placing my hand on my heart.  I feel like I have to learn my heart's native tongue of reach, summon, respond from a clean slate.  A clean slate or an inner spaciousness large enough to hold my habitual interpretation of 'I missed you' alongside a new path to my heart.

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• YO

  @YoisedMartinez · 2 weeks ago

  I’m separated from my avoidant partner right now. I discovered your channel yesterday and it is working wonders for my life and mental health right now!

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• RE

  @Renee_ok_-_- · 10 days ago

  As a Fearful avoidant with PTSD, I struggle with general affection and intimacy with just friends in general. To say, I missed you too or, to even let my heart be exposed feels unsafe. So, it doesn't mean I don't care, but that I was never taught being vulnerable is safe. Intimate relationships are different. My last partner was a DA, so he was the one who struggled with such basic affection at times. Not always, but he could only handle it in small doses. Which would trigger my insecurities. Man, it's tough.

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• IS

  @isaacjones6804 · 2 weeks ago

  I’ve never resonated more with, or felt so seen by a video regarding my attachment style that wasn’t also filled with harsh criticism or a lack of clear and practical advice and solutions to implement into my relationships; not only with others but with myself as well. Incredible care and effort went into this and I appreciate it. Please continue the beautiful work ❤

• OV

  @oversavior6892 · 2 weeks ago

  I resonate with this so much, though I&apos;d consider myself fearful avoidant.<br><br>This has been present in every relationship of mine, currently being in the third, and I&apos;d say caused the previous two to fall apart. I knew I loved my partner, but whenever I&apos;d be shown affection or told this phrase, some discomfort inside would arise, and that would quickly become not just the immediate emotion, but also meta emotions and questioning of why I feel this way, often leading me to try and find out how I&apos;m &quot;supposed&quot; to feel. Stuff like googling &quot;Are you meant to feel in love all the time? Is it okay to not feel like being affectionate sometimes?&quot;.<br><br>I&apos;d then often feel bad about myself, feel guilty that I&apos;m not &quot;feeling enough&quot;, which is a feedback loop that makes you even more disconnected from warmth, as you described the effect of the physiological response. That discomfort often ends up overshadowing the feelings of warmth and love I do have, and the desire to be affectionate in return. And it can make it very confusing to tell what I really want in the moment, creating a convincing image that &quot;actually, I want to leave, I don&apos;t feel love anymore&quot;. And at the root of it for me, aside from past experiences, is also a deep fear of hurting my partner without meaning to.<br><br>It&apos;s been helpful that my current partner would say that whichever way I feel is okay, and would stay by my side. I&apos;d also try to regulate myself using techniques like physiological sigh, doing some yoga, or if my reaction got really bad and I&apos;d dissociate - holding a cup with warm water or smelling something that smells nice. It&apos;s really difficult to deal with these reactions, and they&apos;ve been making things difficult not only for me, but for my partner also. But it does get better with time. At the very least I&apos;d say I&apos;ve gained a lot of awareness of how my mind operates and how it can react to things, which makes it easier to not overthink whenever these reactions happen

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• RA

  @ralucamera6574 · 10 days ago

  Thank you for explaining this aspect.

• TO

  @toddhaggard3590 · 2 weeks ago

  Wow!! Spot on! As a fearful avoidant, I cringe just thinking of telling my partner that &quot;I missed you&quot; brings me anxiety. I hope I can have the courage to be honest and open up

• LB

  @lbminh · 2 weeks ago

  i love your videos Doctor Maika you&apos;re doing God&apos;s works!!!

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• LI

  @listsings9687 · 2 weeks ago

  Good stuff.

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• MS

  @MS-lw2bh · 2 weeks ago

  But it works the other way too. When you do genuinely miss somebody and you tell them you miss them and they never say it back, it makes you question how much they actually care about or love you. So there&apos;s got to be a balance.

• JU

  @justinvreeland2095 · 2 weeks ago

  This isn&apos;t the same thing, but my best friend dislikes when I say I miss you to her because she hears it as an accusation that she&apos;s not done enough to stay in touch with me or abandoned or avoided me if I missed her during extended periods of no contact. She recognizes this is unhealthy, but it&apos;s her default behavior when she gets told &apos;I miss you.&apos; She asserts she&apos;s anxiously attached, but I don&apos;t see that in our friendship. It is more so that she&apos;s anxious in romantic relationships.

• ZA

  @zavash1 · 2 weeks ago

  Manifestation &nbsp;of A-empathy